


This Anger

by AnotherHomosexualMale



Category: Grand Army (TV)
Genre: Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-14
Updated: 2020-12-14
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:53:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,729
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28076523
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnotherHomosexualMale/pseuds/AnotherHomosexualMale
Summary: “Nah man, I don’t care if you’re gay! Just don’t be a fag while we’re showering and we’re cool.”
Relationships: Siddhartha "Sid" Pakam/Victor Borin
Comments: 5
Kudos: 15





	This Anger

**Author's Note:**

> Although I would've preferred much of Sid's storyline to be about accepting himself as a gay man, and not as another coming out story, I believe that there is room to explore that part of himself in Season 2 (If there's a Season 2, of course.) 
> 
> So yeah, I wanted Sid to punch that fucker Orlov.

“Nah man, I don’t care if you’re gay! Just don’t be a _fag_ while we’re showering and we’re cool.”

The jeer was lined with both laughter and angry scoffs from the other people in the hallway entering the classroom, something expected and not unfamiliar, and Sid grit his teeth, closed his eyes, breathed out. But the anger boiled inside, way deep in his gut, building steam and he didn’t know how much longer he could be expected to hold it back.

 _Always, always, always_ – he told himself that he must hold it back – _you’re not what he says you are._

Or so he would tell himself, but the truth was, the truth he never let himself think – his blood coursed through Sid’s veins and his weaknesses were Sid’s weaknesses and Sid was made of him, made exactly like him. Eventually, he would snap.

“Don’t be a fucking homophobe, and just do us all the favor of shutting the fuck up!” Some blonde girl with a ‘Black HERstory’ t-shirt yelled from the front of the classroom, and her words were followed by a round of applause and cheers from her group of friends and a few other classmates.

“Hey, I’m not some shitty homophobe, alright? Why are you making a big deal about this shit? Sid doesn’t care!”

The teen bit his tongue in frustration. How quickly he went from being at the very top of the social pyramid, to being ‘defended’ by white girls as some shitty queer textbook example of a victim. How quickly everyone’s perception of him changed, just because they found out he liked dick instead of pussy. It wouldn’t matter how hard he tried to be considered manly enough again, cuz now he was less than a man in the eyes of straight guys; and a sensitive boy, a fucking ugly stereotype of _‘Love, Simon’_ that needed protection in the eyes of the girls.

Sid flinched at the hand on his shoulder, fists clenching, but the familiar voice came quickly, and his fingers slackened.

“Don’t worry about it,” Victor said in that easy way he had, his own fingers tightening on Sid’s shoulder for a moment in a show of support. “I’ll sit with you.”

The smile was fleeting, the one Sid only shared with Victor. He didn't want to expose it, make it public – amongst a crowd of bored teens forced to spend their best years trapped in a decayed building in Brooklyn, an out of character smile was something he would just reserve to his real friends from now on.

But the laughter coming from the guys of the swim team didn’t diminish, unfortunately, instead there was a whistle and Sid turned to face them as Victor pushed past him and into a seat, waiting with expectant eyes for him to follow.

Normally Sid just let shit go, forced himself to accept it, and he almost did, he almost managed, really. Go to class and ignore the stupid comments from his teammates – but then fucking Orlov, comfortable enough amongst the other boys, came closer to him to make one last shitty remark before going away, and looked right at Victor as he jeered.

“Is this the guy you’re fucking, Pakam? Just make sure to wear a fucking condom.” His grin was vicious, and his eyes were shining with malice as he continued in a low voice. “I know they put chlorine in the pool, but still, I don’t wanna catch anything from you while swimming, ok?”

And he sure as hell wasn’t going to let Victor be the butt of anyone’s joke either.

His fist connected sloppily with Orlov’s cheekbone – but that was only the first hit. The second one was better, Sid made sure of it, quick and straight to his jaw before he could feel the solid bone under his knuckles.

Hands were grabbing at his shoulders, trying to pull him away, and he threw a hasty glance backwards before he turned on Orlov. Whipping around he only managed to hit his shoulder, but he could see the surprise in Orlov’s eyes, and he threw another punch.

For a minute Sid felt like he was drowning, the faded voices of his classmates surrounding him – and he had, once, when he was little. He could remember the screaming, muffled beneath the water, and the way all the colors of his mother’s dress blurred together, refracted and meaningless, and it was the same. He couldn’t understand anything anyone was saying over the humming in his head and he couldn’t even really see anymore, nothing more than the vague impression of body parts and faces, and he was drowning. Drowning in his anger. Lost to the madness of it and he wanted them to know that he meant something. He wanted them to know they shouldn’t fuck with him.

And then it all stopped with the sudden finality of faculty intervention, the swim team and their history teacher pulling them apart with self-assured grips and strong words.

Sid was huffing, anger still sparking through his veins, fists clenched tight as he glared at Orlov’s face covered in blood, and at the other guys. Sid thought he’d be lucky if his face bruised a bit, and then he realized he could taste blood, too. _His_ blood, because he licked his lips and it hurt. In fact, his whole mouth hurt. His lip was split and he wondered what other hits he took that he didn’t even feel in the epicenter of his rage.

Cautiously, his eyes moved over to Victor then, afraid of his condemnation, but Victor was staring again, staring at him the way he liked to be stared at, and there was a glint in his eyes like excitement, like fire, and all at once Sid completely deflated. All of his anger rushed from his body in one giant exhale, leaving nothing but this little ember of pleasure buried deep down in his gut that Victor was looking at him like that. Victor wasn’t gay, and his parents had accepted him as bi, and if he ever held hands with a girl, Sid knew that their experiences in life would never be quite the same, but... but that couldn’t stop the way Sid felt about him.

He wasn’t spared the embarrassing lecture about how disappointed their teacher was in him, the yells of support coming from his classmates, claiming that Orlov and the team had been calling him homophobic slurs, and the uncomfortable questions about what was said that Sid refused to answer. The principal questioned both of them, but something in the way he talked to Orlov, and how his own record had been clean until now, made him think that maybe he wouldn’t get expelled after all. But he only half-listened, half-cared. He didn’t regret it – couldn’t. He’d been dealing with that shit for years. There was only so much one person could take before he snapped.

And then, there was Victor’s stare...

Sid slumped into the seat outside the principal’s office, trying not to be obvious as he took a mental inventory of his damages the best he could without a mirror. So, he startled when weight was added to the seat beside him, that ubiquitous pop of air from poor padding under brown plastic. And Victor’s warm eyes were there, right there, amusement gleaming in them, matching one of his easy-going smiles, too.

“You’ll get in trouble,” Sid hissed, frantic eyes searching out their teacher, not wanting Victor to take any heat for his sympathy, but Victor just shrugged as though it meant nothing to him and glanced down at his knuckles instead.

They were a little bruised and blooded. Once Sid had released his clenched fists, he’d found them impossible to close again without pain, and so his fingers hung slack and just a little curled between his knees. He wanted to hide them, but Victor was looking and so he didn’t. But he couldn’t look himself and instead stared at the wall in front of them.

“Sorry I didn’t help,” Victor said and Sid blinked and turned and look at him, saw how sincere he was. “You took me by surprise.”

There was a grin flirting with Victor’s lips, and Sid laughed a little – soft, more of an exhale than anything else – looked down at his hands and closed them as best he could, swallowing hard and trying not to let his face flush.

“Orlov has been asking for it since he outed you, and then broke your nose.” Victor’s smile tightened a bit, but Sid almost missed it as he looked back at him. “I’m glad that you were the one to give it to him, it was only fair, and I know he wasn’t expecting that.”

“No one would,” Sid replied, because it was the truth, not because it was what he wanted to say.

He was the quiet one of the jocks, the loner, the one who always thought for a little bit longer about what to say when the other guys showed each other their girlfriends’ nude pictures, who never tried to fight, never wanted any attention drawn to himself. But that was just an illusion and really, who he was inside was heat and steam and anger seething beneath, waiting to be unleashed. And sometimes when he looked at Victor he thought – this guy, he can handle it. But more often when he looked at Victor he thought – this guy, he deserves better. Someone actually proud to be themselves.

“Maybe they should,” Victor whispered and smiled a cocky smile, fleeting as he slipped from the seat upon the principal’s return to give him a soft kiss on the lips. “Don’t worry, I heard the teachers talking. They would never suspend the best swimmer of the team who just got accepted into Harvard. Not with an entire classroom of witnesses who heard these guys saying the things they said.”

And Sid didn’t let himself look back, didn’t let his eyes follow Victor, but he stared down at his hands and he grinned to himself because maybe he was wrong. Maybe all that time when Victor was staring, he wasn’t staring at the exterior of Sid, the thing he presented to the world to intentionally misrepresent himself. Maybe instead, Victor was staring at the anger inside of him.

And maybe... Maybe he wasn’t afraid.


End file.
